This is a tumblelog, kinda like a blog but with short-form, mixed-media posts with stuff I like. Scroll down a bit to start reading, or a bit more to read more about me.
Indira Varma is celebrating her 40th birthday today! Many happy returns, ma’am!
I KNOW. Every single time she’s on television!
Speaking of, though, you know who would make the best genderbent Khan ever? She could use her amazing dying skills.
![spiralsly:
thatfeministdyke:
poorlifechoicesblog:
sanityscraps:
myasphyxiatedmind:
jadelyn:
poorlifechoicesblog:
Screencapping someone’s post in order to criticize it is kind of douchey and if I could reblog this I would, but I can’t so I’m just gonna say:
Wow? I am really alarmed by and not cool with this?
Applying (relatively) niche sexual terminology to kids + an implicit tolerance for ignoring other people’s “no” is not…what? what?
Am I just being too sensitive? I’m open to the possibility that I’m being way too sensitive. But I’m also having a really hard time coming up with scenarios where it would ever be acceptable for parents to institute a practice with their kids that does have a primarily sexual meaning in the “real [adult] world”?
I dunno. I feel like the concept can be desexualized for use in other contexts, like this one, and I don’t really find it problematic in that sense. I agree that it would be far better to just take “no” as NO without having to dress it up with other words like this, and there’s the major difference between the sexual use of it and this non-sexual use - that the concept originated because in a kink context people don’t always want no to mean no, so there had to be a way to convey “no” without binding it solely to the word “no”. Whereas in a non-sexual context, I’m not sure I see a reason for no not to mean no. On the other hand, it’s true that kids get such shitty mixed messages around boundaries and saying no to adults - “It’s okay to say no to someone touching you if you don’t like it” but then “Go give Grandma a hug [whether you want to or not]” and that sort of thing - that while ideally they could learn and practice “no” on its own as an inviolable boundary, in practice it’s not so simple. So this strikes me as a pragmatist’s solution to the issue - yeah, it’d be better if we could just say “no” but that’s kinda complicated so let’s give them another tool to help reinforce their boundaries. So it’s not entirely unproblematic but I’m disinclined to really come down on it. Though that may be my own bias showing, because I’d have shanked a baby for a way to get my dad to NO SERIOUSLY STOP TICKLING ME when I was a kid. So YMMV.
Whereas in a non-sexual context, I’m not sure I see a reason for no not to mean no.
But it happens. I used to have nightmares about hands that tickled and hurt me and wouldn’t stop. My dad was rough (I don’t think he realized it) and didn’t know when to stop.
I honestly don’t see an issue with this at all.
I see no issue either. I like the idea of generalizing lessons about consent into non-sexual play. There are instances where it would be useful. For instance, in games of pretend, where one kid is pretending to be a damsel in distress and “no!” is part of an act. If that kid becomes uncomfortable, an obvious safeword is useful and I’d argue necessary.
Also, as an autistic person here, let me tell you that we’re usually raised not to say no to anything. The way a lot of kids are raised to always hug grandma and shit whether or not they’re comfortable with it is often multiplied by ten for us. Autistics are taught that they’re “good boys/girls” when they comply with every demand, whether it’s a healthy demand or not, and are simultaneously not taught to say no properly. So it starts with forced hugs and cuddles to “socialize” us (especially the nonverbal ones), and then we’re shocked when over 90% of autistic girls are sexually abused in their lifetimes?
Teaching consent matters, and we have to teach it young.
Yeah except for no.
“Safeword” or “safety word” is a term that in the context of this ask (and I would argue in most circles) is used in reference to BDSM. There are ways to do codewords that do not involve applying components of your sex life to components of your relationship with your kids.
I agree that in the very elaborate examples you brought up (imaginative play where “no!” is part of the act), a codeword could be useful! This in no way responds to or negates anything I said in the OP.
The value of “teaching consent” was pretty much implicit in the concerns of the post, the importance of valuing “no” was something I actively affirmed, and straw-manning my argument in order to make a valid point about boundaries & get lots of tumblr notes is harmful in this instance because it distracts from the very very real problem of applying sexualized methods of communication to children.
Goddamn.
I don’t know why you’re insisting that the term safeword HAS to have sexual connotations. Looking at the word itself, there’s nothing sexual about it. Has it historically been used primarily for sexual situations? Yeah. Does that mean it can’t be broadened and applied to other situations? I don’t think so.
Also in regards to your tags. What the fuck are you telling her to shut up for? If you can’t handle people having different opinions than you in a discussion/debate then don’t put your opinion out there.
I think it’s important to teach kids that no means no.
If you raise your kids with a safeword, how are they going to respect when another person, outside of their family, says no? You’re not talking about calm, reasonable adults that can read into context or people who have a grasp on body language or an intuitive ability to make educated guesses as to how a person is responding.
I play rough with my daughter, we have tickle fights that go on for ages. When she says “stop,” I stop. She almost always will then say, “Ok, GO!” when she has regained composure.
When I was a kid, my grandpa was rough, but when I said “stop,” he didn’t, and now I have an extreme hatred of being tickled - when someone attempts to touch my sides or neck, it generally ends with me striking out at them, often times with way more force than needed (and then I’m the bitch, lul). He didn’t do it to be mean, he just didn’t understand or respect that when I asked him to stop, I wanted him to stop. Maybe sometimes kids want you to keep tickling them, but if they say stop, you should fucking respect it until they give you the go-ahead to continue.
Something little like this is exactly where rape culture starts. When you teach children that “no” and “stop” are arbitrary words that don’t mean anything, what the hell do you expect to happen. Some random kid might be a bratty, snot covered shit right this second, but that kid is the fucking future of the human race.
A safe word can absolutely be used in non-sexual context, but it should be between consenting adults who are fully aware of their environment, actions, and are engaging with each other on equal grounds. Hell, I work in a very rowdy kitchen where we’re all close and we get really out of control, but lines are crossed and shit like that swiftly has to come to a stop - and it does, thanks to clearly stated boundaries and mutual fucking respect to stop the horseplay when someone says stop, or when someone isn’t in the mood.
Safe words function because they are designated between consenting adults that fully understand the situation that they are in. Adults that have willingly entered into the relationship. Adults who know and intuitively understand each others boundaries. Adults that know, if something goes to far and they get hurt or injured in any way, that they can go to the authorities and report what happened and protect themselves in the future.
Understand that kids don’t pick their parents. Understand that kids don’t understand that there are authorities higher than their own parents. Understand that children don’t understand up from down, never mind complex interactions that change the meaning of consent to apply or not apply to certain situations. Understand that there is an inherent power struggle in kids vs. their parents, where they are often times brought up to think they aren’t allowed to say no to their parents, or that their parents ultimately have the final say in anything that they do. Does none of that seem potentially problematic to anyone??
Well, without getting into a discussion about the merits and problems of safewords….The sexualization isn’t the problem here - the issue is that these two problems just aren’t the same. BDSM is roleplay, it’s like stage fencing, sparring. The two people involved can’t use “no” - necessarily - because they’re in a context where “no” might not be a clear refusal. These poor kids can’t use “no” because other people might just ignore their NO. “NO, stop tickling me!” isn’t occurring during some elaborate scene where both people have agreed that it’s part of the fun. It’s occurring in real life. You can’t arrange a safeword with someone who doesn’t care what you want. Imagine trying to set up a safeword with some guy who grabs you on the bus.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/778ce965051eef0a9cc9de73d74a7357/tumblr_mmviyjYUB51qbz4v1o1_400.png)
Screencapping someone’s post in order to criticize it is kind of douchey and if I could reblog this I would, but I can’t so I’m just gonna say:
Wow? I am really alarmed by and not cool with this?
Applying (relatively) niche sexual terminology to kids + an implicit tolerance for ignoring other people’s “no” is not…what? what?
Am I just being too sensitive? I’m open to the possibility that I’m being way too sensitive. But I’m also having a really hard time coming up with scenarios where it would ever be acceptable for parents to institute a practice with their kids that does have a primarily sexual meaning in the “real [adult] world”?
I dunno. I feel like the concept can be desexualized for use in other contexts, like this one, and I don’t really find it problematic in that sense. I agree that it would be far better to just take “no” as NO without having to dress it up with other words like this, and there’s the major difference between the sexual use of it and this non-sexual use - that the concept originated because in a kink context people don’t always want no to mean no, so there had to be a way to convey “no” without binding it solely to the word “no”. Whereas in a non-sexual context, I’m not sure I see a reason for no not to mean no. On the other hand, it’s true that kids get such shitty mixed messages around boundaries and saying no to adults - “It’s okay to say no to someone touching you if you don’t like it” but then “Go give Grandma a hug [whether you want to or not]” and that sort of thing - that while ideally they could learn and practice “no” on its own as an inviolable boundary, in practice it’s not so simple. So this strikes me as a pragmatist’s solution to the issue - yeah, it’d be better if we could just say “no” but that’s kinda complicated so let’s give them another tool to help reinforce their boundaries. So it’s not entirely unproblematic but I’m disinclined to really come down on it. Though that may be my own bias showing, because I’d have shanked a baby for a way to get my dad to NO SERIOUSLY STOP TICKLING ME when I was a kid. So YMMV.
Whereas in a non-sexual context, I’m not sure I see a reason for no not to mean no.
But it happens. I used to have nightmares about hands that tickled and hurt me and wouldn’t stop. My dad was rough (I don’t think he realized it) and didn’t know when to stop.
I honestly don’t see an issue with this at all.
I see no issue either. I like the idea of generalizing lessons about consent into non-sexual play. There are instances where it would be useful. For instance, in games of pretend, where one kid is pretending to be a damsel in distress and “no!” is part of an act. If that kid becomes uncomfortable, an obvious safeword is useful and I’d argue necessary.
Also, as an autistic person here, let me tell you that we’re usually raised not to say no to anything. The way a lot of kids are raised to always hug grandma and shit whether or not they’re comfortable with it is often multiplied by ten for us. Autistics are taught that they’re “good boys/girls” when they comply with every demand, whether it’s a healthy demand or not, and are simultaneously not taught to say no properly. So it starts with forced hugs and cuddles to “socialize” us (especially the nonverbal ones), and then we’re shocked when over 90% of autistic girls are sexually abused in their lifetimes?
Teaching consent matters, and we have to teach it young.
Yeah except for no.
“Safeword” or “safety word” is a term that in the context of this ask (and I would argue in most circles) is used in reference to BDSM. There are ways to do codewords that do not involve applying components of your sex life to components of your relationship with your kids.
I agree that in the very elaborate examples you brought up (imaginative play where “no!” is part of the act), a codeword could be useful! This in no way responds to or negates anything I said in the OP.
The value of “teaching consent” was pretty much implicit in the concerns of the post, the importance of valuing “no” was something I actively affirmed, and straw-manning my argument in order to make a valid point about boundaries & get lots of tumblr notes is harmful in this instance because it distracts from the very very real problem of applying sexualized methods of communication to children.
Goddamn.
I don’t know why you’re insisting that the term safeword HAS to have sexual connotations. Looking at the word itself, there’s nothing sexual about it. Has it historically been used primarily for sexual situations? Yeah. Does that mean it can’t be broadened and applied to other situations? I don’t think so.
Also in regards to your tags. What the fuck are you telling her to shut up for? If you can’t handle people having different opinions than you in a discussion/debate then don’t put your opinion out there.
I think it’s important to teach kids that no means no.
If you raise your kids with a safeword, how are they going to respect when another person, outside of their family, says no? You’re not talking about calm, reasonable adults that can read into context or people who have a grasp on body language or an intuitive ability to make educated guesses as to how a person is responding.
I play rough with my daughter, we have tickle fights that go on for ages. When she says “stop,” I stop. She almost always will then say, “Ok, GO!” when she has regained composure.
When I was a kid, my grandpa was rough, but when I said “stop,” he didn’t, and now I have an extreme hatred of being tickled - when someone attempts to touch my sides or neck, it generally ends with me striking out at them, often times with way more force than needed (and then I’m the bitch, lul). He didn’t do it to be mean, he just didn’t understand or respect that when I asked him to stop, I wanted him to stop. Maybe sometimes kids want you to keep tickling them, but if they say stop, you should fucking respect it until they give you the go-ahead to continue.
Something little like this is exactly where rape culture starts. When you teach children that “no” and “stop” are arbitrary words that don’t mean anything, what the hell do you expect to happen. Some random kid might be a bratty, snot covered shit right this second, but that kid is the fucking future of the human race.
A safe word can absolutely be used in non-sexual context, but it should be between consenting adults who are fully aware of their environment, actions, and are engaging with each other on equal grounds. Hell, I work in a very rowdy kitchen where we’re all close and we get really out of control, but lines are crossed and shit like that swiftly has to come to a stop - and it does, thanks to clearly stated boundaries and mutual fucking respect to stop the horseplay when someone says stop, or when someone isn’t in the mood.
Safe words function because they are designated between consenting adults that fully understand the situation that they are in. Adults that have willingly entered into the relationship. Adults who know and intuitively understand each others boundaries. Adults that know, if something goes to far and they get hurt or injured in any way, that they can go to the authorities and report what happened and protect themselves in the future.Understand that kids don’t pick their parents. Understand that kids don’t understand that there are authorities higher than their own parents. Understand that children don’t understand up from down, never mind complex interactions that change the meaning of consent to apply or not apply to certain situations. Understand that there is an inherent power struggle in kids vs. their parents, where they are often times brought up to think they aren’t allowed to say no to their parents, or that their parents ultimately have the final say in anything that they do. Does none of that seem potentially problematic to anyone??
Well, without getting into a discussion about the merits and problems of safewords….The sexualization isn’t the problem here - the issue is that these two problems just aren’t the same. BDSM is roleplay, it’s like stage fencing, sparring. The two people involved can’t use “no” - necessarily - because they’re in a context where “no” might not be a clear refusal. These poor kids can’t use “no” because other people might just ignore their NO. “NO, stop tickling me!” isn’t occurring during some elaborate scene where both people have agreed that it’s part of the fun. It’s occurring in real life. You can’t arrange a safeword with someone who doesn’t care what you want. Imagine trying to set up a safeword with some guy who grabs you on the bus.
Henry Rollins (via nutellanicole)
THIS.
(via planesandpassports)
Because that type of poverty doesn’t exist in the US?
Can we not use people impoverished due to western imperialism as fucking inspiration porn?
(via sourcedumal)
It’s kind of ridiculous that he wants people to buy plane tickets to understand climate change, and that he’s trying to package it as the province of foreign people in exotic locales. We’ve got eco here, even in places we don’t associate with tourism. We have potable tapwater (at least, some of us do) but global warming is an everyday fact in this wealthy country. Global warming is going to spend this summer setting my homestate on fire.
A kid backpacking around India will encounter a great many poor people, and probably some displaced people, especially if that kid is trying to save money and purchase authenticity. But that kid probably won’t really speak to them, live where they live, learn anything about them, or understand what she does learn. Tourism does not teach people to be better global citizens. It can’t. It can be done responsibly, like any other form of consumption, but it is not giving, it is not fellowship, and the pretense of either makes tourism harmful. If you want to learn about the rest of the world, learn about the rest of the world. If you want to topple Friedmans, do your own research.
Following his release from Guantanamo Bay, Sami Al-Hajj, a (former) Guantanamo Bay detainee, dashes towards his eight year old son Mohammad and swoops him up in his arms, hugging him and planting tender kisses on his face in their first reunion after seven years.
After being imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, during which he was repeatedly interrogated and tortured, including being physically, sexually, and psychologically abused, Al Hajj was released without any charges held against him.
Al Hajj, a journalist for the Al Jazeera network, was arrested in Pakistan in 2001 while on his way to do camerawork for the network concerning the war that had recently broken out in Afghanistan. It has been speculated by both Al Hajj’s lawyer, Clive Stafford Smith, and Reporters Without Borders that the main reason that he was incarcerated for so long was due to the US Miliary’s desire to make him an informant against Al Jazeera, as most of Al Hajj’s interrogations consisted of American interrogators questioning him about the (Al Jazeera) network.
While in Guantanamo, Al Hajj wrote a poem titled Humiliated in Shackles to his son Mohammad:
When I heard pigeons cooing in the trees,
Hot tears covered my face.When the lark chirped, my thoughts composed
A message for my son.Mohammad, I am afflicted.
In my despair, I have no one but Allah for comfort.The oppressors are playing with me,
As they move freely around the world.They ask me to spy on my countrymen,
Claiming it would be a good deed.They offer me money and land,
And freedom to go where I please.Their temptations seize
My attention like lightning in the sky.But their gift is an empty snake,
Carrying hypocrisy in its mouth like venom,They have monuments to liberty
And freedom of opinion, which is well and good.But I explained to them that
Architecture is not justice.America, you ride on the backs of orphans,
And terrorize them daily.Bush, beware.
The world recognizes an arrogant liar.To Allah I direct my grievance and my tears.
I am homesick and oppressed.Mohammad, do not forget me.
Support the cause of your father, a God-fearing man.I was humiliated in the shackles.
How can I now compose verses? How can I now write?After the shackles and the nights and the suffering and the tears,
How can I write poetry?My soul is like a roiling sea, stirred by anguish,
Violent with passion.I am a captive, but the crimes are my captors’.
I am overwhelmed with apprehension.Lord, unite me with my son Mohammad.
Lord, grant success to the righteous.
Okay. Let me clear the fuck out of this shit, because it is REALLY pissing me off.
Psy was an extremely well-known, well-respected musician WELL before Gangnam Style was even fucking thought of. He’s one of the senior musicians of Korea and he gets a lot of respect for his fearless stages and the way he writes songs to say whatever the hell he wants and believes, regardless of the Korean public’s extremely judgmental eye. I’m so sick of the way he’s being treated all around the world ever since Gangnam Style went viral, he’s just being called here and there to do the dance and whatever and then being sent off like he’s just a comedy dud. When he came on Ellen, she didn’t even bother fucking introducing him, he had to interrupt and ask to introduce himself. He came out on stage and she literally just asked him to teach the dance before he even said anything. Like that is so flat out disrespectful are you kidding me.
Point being, before you ignorant ass little fucks decided he was the new laughingstock of the world and decided all on your own that he was just some annoying, talentless little comedy figure, get your fucking facts straight. Learn some respect, especially to the people that deserve/have already earned it.
SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS PREACH IT
Not to mention how skewed this dumbass headline is. Yeah, let’s focus on the fact that a native Korean doesn’t know what herpes is rather than the fact that when it was explained to him, he took it like a champ. “He said I’m like the herpes… that keeps coming back. I think it’s really cool. Thank you.” That was Psy’s response to this incredibly rude shit BJA said. Let’s completely disregard the fact that he even knows enough English from studying in the US for some years to come on these shows and take this shitty treatment with such a good attitude. Psy is a satirist. Gangnam Style was satirical. But he has to come on these shows that only care about his funny faces, funny dances and funny personality and he can’t do anything about it.
Nobody takes him seriously just because he’s not singing in English, because it’s so easy to strip what they know him for of its significance and just look at the fat guy shaking his hips and think that’s all that matters. Nobody takes him seriously because they don’t “get it,” and they don’t want to try to get it, either. And it pisses me off.
Yes! I always get pissed off the media when they bash Psy. They seriously need to get rid of their stereotype for Asians and need to go back to kindergarten and learn about respecting others.
I Personally think this dude is the cancer of music along with countless others in the music industry totally cheap,tasteless,and unskilled so called “Music” but thats just what i think.
did you just ignore everything everyone else said
iis that you bja
I know it’s hard to capture tone in text, but the reporting on this was so precious. I’m sure Psy knows what herpes is. He just didn’t know what “herpes” was, like, ha ha, are you kidding me, the South Korean guy didn’t even know an English word, what a loser. I mean…this whole thing. The guy created this amazing sendup and it was hilarious and also catchy as hell, and the entire Western world seems to have gone, “Omigod, right? Those wacky Asian pop stars, with their posturing and their silly dance moves and their ridiculous hairstyles, what a strange little man he is, why does everybody like this song so much, it is more terrible than the Pat Boone cover of Tutti Frutti, but yet I cannot stop dancing,” and did not expire of situational irony on the spot. It was a spoof! That’s an English word which means, “a mocking imitation of something, usually light and good-hearted.” And they don’t even know enough to understand that they are laughing with him! And now he’s stupid for responding gracefully and hilariously to a mean unfunny slam on his entire career, because someone had to explain a name for an STD in a language he has no reason to speak fluently. What a jackass, am I right? He can’t even appreciate Billie Joe “You, Sir, Are No Robert Smith” Armstrong’s insults in all their wondrous complexity. Psy is magical, and if you are upset that everyone cannot help but love Gangnam Style, then you are probably a sociopath.
Personally, I just thought “I don’t know what herpes is” was the perfect fucking response to some no-longer-relevant American being pissy about a Korean pop star’s popularity. Basically, I pictured Psy as Lucille from Arrested Development going “I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Maybe he was going meta. Like, this was his way of indicating that he knows perfectly well who Billie Joe Armstrong is.
Okay. Let me clear the fuck out of this shit, because it is REALLY pissing me off.
Psy was an extremely well-known, well-respected musician WELL before Gangnam Style was even fucking thought of. He’s one of the senior musicians of Korea and he gets a lot of respect for his fearless stages and the way he writes songs to say whatever the hell he wants and believes, regardless of the Korean public’s extremely judgmental eye. I’m so sick of the way he’s being treated all around the world ever since Gangnam Style went viral, he’s just being called here and there to do the dance and whatever and then being sent off like he’s just a comedy dud. When he came on Ellen, she didn’t even bother fucking introducing him, he had to interrupt and ask to introduce himself. He came out on stage and she literally just asked him to teach the dance before he even said anything. Like that is so flat out disrespectful are you kidding me.
Point being, before you ignorant ass little fucks decided he was the new laughingstock of the world and decided all on your own that he was just some annoying, talentless little comedy figure, get your fucking facts straight. Learn some respect, especially to the people that deserve/have already earned it.
SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS PREACH IT
Not to mention how skewed this dumbass headline is. Yeah, let’s focus on the fact that a native Korean doesn’t know what herpes is rather than the fact that when it was explained to him, he took it like a champ. “He said I’m like the herpes… that keeps coming back. I think it’s really cool. Thank you.” That was Psy’s response to this incredibly rude shit BJA said. Let’s completely disregard the fact that he even knows enough English from studying in the US for some years to come on these shows and take this shitty treatment with such a good attitude. Psy is a satirist. Gangnam Style was satirical. But he has to come on these shows that only care about his funny faces, funny dances and funny personality and he can’t do anything about it.
Nobody takes him seriously just because he’s not singing in English, because it’s so easy to strip what they know him for of its significance and just look at the fat guy shaking his hips and think that’s all that matters. Nobody takes him seriously because they don’t “get it,” and they don’t want to try to get it, either. And it pisses me off.
Yes! I always get pissed off the media when they bash Psy. They seriously need to get rid of their stereotype for Asians and need to go back to kindergarten and learn about respecting others.
I Personally think this dude is the cancer of music along with countless others in the music industry totally cheap,tasteless,and unskilled so called “Music” but thats just what i think.
did you just ignore everything everyone else said
iis that you bja
I know it’s hard to capture tone in text, but the reporting on this was so precious. I’m sure Psy knows what herpes is. He just didn’t know what “herpes” was, like, ha ha, are you kidding me, the South Korean guy didn’t even know an English word, what a loser. I mean…this whole thing. The guy created this amazing sendup and it was hilarious and also catchy as hell, and the entire Western world seems to have gone, “Omigod, right? Those wacky Asian pop stars, with their posturing and their silly dance moves and their ridiculous hairstyles, what a strange little man he is, why does everybody like this song so much, it is more terrible than the Pat Boone cover of Tutti Frutti, but yet I cannot stop dancing,” and did not expire of situational irony on the spot. It was a spoof! That’s an English word which means, “a mocking imitation of something, usually light and good-hearted.” And they don’t even know enough to understand that they are laughing with him! And now he’s stupid for responding gracefully and hilariously to a mean unfunny slam on his entire career, because someone had to explain a name for an STD in a language he has no reason to speak fluently. What a jackass, am I right? He can’t even appreciate Billie Joe “You, Sir, Are No Robert Smith” Armstrong’s insults in all their wondrous complexity. Psy is magical, and if you are upset that everyone cannot help but love Gangnam Style, then you are probably a sociopath.
My older followers might remember, but for my new followers, my parents are quite controlling. They don’t think they are, even after having friends and family and random strangers comment on their behavior towards me. And because they were/are controlling, I spent a good 22/23/24 years thinking…
spending a year entirely out of their reach is //exactly// what you need to do right now. you’re all caught up in a codependent cycle that needs to be literally, physically broken before it can change. this is the kind of relationship you cannot fix while you’re still living under their roof and dependent on their whims. unfortunately it’s also the kind of thing you can’t really prepare for, you just have to take that opportunity and go.
half the problem i’ve realized of late is that this economy sucks and a lot of people in our parents generation (i’m 32) or older have //no idea// how out of touch they are not only with how rough things are for people who don’t already have a career at our age but how fundamentally different the path to a career //is// today. even if the economy was booming their advice wouldn’t be applicable, they came of age in the post-war economic boom when the top tax rate was 70% (thanks reagan), major corporations practiced stakeholder capitalism instead of shareholder capitalism (thanks romney), and getting a good job was as easy as literally walking around town asking for one (thanks tim berners-lee).
and obviously this is all compounded if your parents are socially controlling //as well as// financially out of touch with your entire life. stop trying to be //happy//, focus on financial security, get a career in whatever your dad did because the best choice forty years ago is still the only path, why aren’t you married, why don’t we have grandkids, why can’t you be more like your sibling we implicitly favor, etc. pair that with religion, i can’t even imagine.
going abroad is a rougher break than moving out and across town, but that kind of physical disruption in the patterns you’ve been caught up in for the last few years is fundamentally needed before any kind of change can take place. //you// need breathing room to get past their well-intentioned nagging, and //they// need some time to themselves so that their primary concerns reset back to //their own// lives and not your daily minutiae. they need to miss you before they can realize how broken your relationship has gotten, because they need to acknowledge //that// before they can make any real change.
to the extent that that ever does happen, we’ll always be their //children// just like my older brother (by three years) will always think he’s twice my age. i lived with him and his wife for a few years when we were all doing well financially, and he spent the //entire time// treating me like a guest in his house despite my paying a third of the rent. he didn’t even realize he was doing it, they just never adapted from their pre-existing pattern of making all the household decisions between the two of them, and that paired with his older-brother-ness into patting me on the head when i complained. eventually i gave up and just stopped talking to him, figuring at some point he’d come around and we’d hash out our issues like adults.
that still hasn’t happened. we just don’t talk about it we may never.
meanwhile my twin brother and i get along better than we have since we were kids because, again, our codependent tension was killing us until he moved away for a couple years. it was precisely that separation which allowed us both to get some distance and perspective, such that when he moved back and we started into the same patterns we both realized we couldn’t continue like that and had a series of hard but productive talks about what we both needed to change. the same thing happened when i moved out of my parents’ house but had to move back in 2010 when my job collapsed into the abyss.
tl;dr, having a good relationship with your parents is definitely worth pursuing, but it’s just like any other relationship. it does not matter at all how much work //you// put into it if //they// aren’t matching your efforts. and until you break the patterns you are caught up in with them, they won’t feel any need to re-examine their assumptions or change their behaviour. hopefully this break, especially such a severe one as leaving the country for a year, will shock them out of their complacency and force them to work things out. but even if it doesn’t, that is neither your fault nor your responsibility. nobody changes unless they //choose// to, because real change demands continuous conscious effort.
i get along great with my twin brother because we both dedicated ourselves to fixing the root structural causes of our dissension. i don’t get along at all with my older brother because he only acknowledges my complaints //while i am making them//, and his focus is on how to get me to //stop// complaining, without acknowledging //why i am doing so//.
This is really good advice. You don’t need this right before relocating to another country. When they start up, do what you can to get away from them, and go spend some time reading up on Japan. It’ll make you feel better.
As a complete stranger on the internet, I think you’re doing the right thing. Teaching abroad is not a cakewalk, but it can be a wonderful job. Living in a foreign country can be really difficult, in ways you simply cannot prepare for, but it’s rewarding and it will make you a tougher and more independent person. It’s a whole lot easier to set up new boundaries with people when they’re thousands of miles away and have never been to an internet cafe. (Incidentally, this would also be a good time to think about how few times per week or month you want to communicate with your parents.)
When you get there, you will almost certainly go through periods of intractable loneliness. Get on top of that now: make a detailed plan for what you’ll do when you get homesick, one that doesn’t include calling home to weep quietly into the phone (it doesn’t make you feel better, trust me). Are there side trips you would like to take, landmarks you can visit, a certain kind of food you love?
I’ve also used Couchsurfing whenever I’ve relocated. It’s not a perfect system, but it is a great way to make friends who are not backpackers, and members tend to be really eager to tell you all the great stuff you can find in their hometowns. You can also find language exchange on CS.
![zuky:
Female Garment Workers Bear Brunt of Dhaka Collapse Tragedy
Experts say that women, who make up 80 percent of the workforce in Bangladesh’s booming garments industry, have borne the brunt of this tragedy. According to initial reports, over 80 percent of those who lost lives and sustained injuries in the collapse were women. [The death toll of the Dhaka collapse stands at 1,021.]
Bangladesh’s garment industry is now the third largest in the world after China and Vietnam, bringing in 20 billion dollars or roughly 80 percent of the country’s annual foreign exchange.
Mass-produced and bargain clothes that include such labels as Gap, Primark, HMV, Walmart, Sears and American Apparel are all manufactured here and then sold in the importing countries.
More than 5,000 factories employing over 3.5 million workers are packed into high-rise buildings in Dhaka and outlying districts, operating round the clock. Most women sew, wash and pack garments for roughly 30 to 40 dollars a month, working a daily average of 10 hours, seven days a week.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/d1c46257af0f55e2dbb87aa8c14b6b51/tumblr_mmldifLYBG1qzf4coo1_400.jpg)
zuky:
Female Garment Workers Bear Brunt of Dhaka Collapse Tragedy
Experts say that women, who make up 80 percent of the workforce in Bangladesh’s booming garments industry, have borne the brunt of this tragedy. According to initial reports, over 80 percent of those who lost lives and sustained injuries in the collapse were women. [The death toll of the Dhaka collapse stands at 1,021.]
Bangladesh’s garment industry is now the third largest in the world after China and Vietnam, bringing in 20 billion dollars or roughly 80 percent of the country’s annual foreign exchange.
Mass-produced and bargain clothes that include such labels as Gap, Primark, HMV, Walmart, Sears and American Apparel are all manufactured here and then sold in the importing countries.
More than 5,000 factories employing over 3.5 million workers are packed into high-rise buildings in Dhaka and outlying districts, operating round the clock. Most women sew, wash and pack garments for roughly 30 to 40 dollars a month, working a daily average of 10 hours, seven days a week.
![zuky:
“I told her, ‘Mother, don’t be afraid, we are here to rescue you,’ ” said Colonel Moazzem, according to the agency. “Would you like a drink of water?” [source]
The Miraculous Survival and Rescue of Reshma — In a startling development, a woman trapped for 17 days beneath the rubble of a collapsed building on the outskirts of Dhaka was discovered alive on Friday and then rushed to a nearby military hospital after rescuers pulled her free. The woman, whose name is Reshma, had apparently been in the basement of the building, possibly in a Muslim prayer room.
The stunning discovery transformed what had been an especially gloomy day in the recovery effort, as the death toll pushed past 1,000 victims. More than 3,000 people were believed to be working at five clothing factories in the building, Rana Plaza, when it collapsed on the morning of April 24 in what is now considered the worst disaster in the history of the garment industry.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/836ca2cdff1730975789321074faadf3/tumblr_mmlbxxA7BB1qzf4coo1_400.jpg)
zuky:
“I told her, ‘Mother, don’t be afraid, we are here to rescue you,’ ” said Colonel Moazzem, according to the agency. “Would you like a drink of water?” [source]
The Miraculous Survival and Rescue of Reshma — In a startling development, a woman trapped for 17 days beneath the rubble of a collapsed building on the outskirts of Dhaka was discovered alive on Friday and then rushed to a nearby military hospital after rescuers pulled her free. The woman, whose name is Reshma, had apparently been in the basement of the building, possibly in a Muslim prayer room.
The stunning discovery transformed what had been an especially gloomy day in the recovery effort, as the death toll pushed past 1,000 victims. More than 3,000 people were believed to be working at five clothing factories in the building, Rana Plaza, when it collapsed on the morning of April 24 in what is now considered the worst disaster in the history of the garment industry.
‘The Great Gatsby’ Still Gets Flappers Wrong | Collectors Weekly
This makes me want to go back in time like Owen Wilson in Midnight in Paris, only I’d do it to PUNCH F. SCOTT FITZGERALD IN THE FACE.
(via notemily)
She died in an asylum when it burned down.
But yeah, he was awful. At one point one of her doctors asked him to think about not being an alcoholic because it upset his unstable wife and placed a certain amount of strain on their marriage, and he was like, “Why should I? I like being drunk. Being drunk is fun. I mean, she’s the one with the problem. I’m just the one with the drinking. She can go fuck herself.”
And he basically…they were collaborators, part of a literary marriage, she was his original MPDG, until he was the prima donna and she was the no-talent nobody who was stealing his limelight. He made this analogy at one point, when she tried to publish that book around the same time he was publishing one. Apparently, the fact that he was F. Scott Fucking Fitzgerald and she was merely His Wife didn’t keep that from being hugely threatening.
He was constantly upset with her for failing or refusing to be Famous Writer’s On-Call Muse instead of being a creative person in her own right.
She was also a very talented dancer, although her late start and her health issues kept her from ever doing very well. Her husband thought this was also a big fat delusion until one of her teachers told him she wasn’t, you know, embarrassing herself.
